POLITICAL SATIRE: Biden Takes Cheating Scandal to Court
In a stunning move by the White House, it was announced that President Joe Biden is fed up with the idea that the 2020 election was fixed. He said he is certain that if the evidence is brought forward in a court of law, Donald J. Trump will be found guilty of vote tampering.
“Trump lost the election fair and square,” the president emphasized. “I’m here to say those 74 million votes he claimed are ill …, ill,”
“Illegitimate?” Senior Advisor Anita Dunn offered.
“Yes, that and just plain silly,” Biden concluded. “There’s no way he got that many votes.”
Several in the room, including Chief Counselor Steve Ricchetti suggested he not go through with his plan to try and prove election integrity, cautioning him of unintended consequences.
“We all know these things start wars,” said Vice President Kamala Harris. “It seems every time we try to do something good for the American people, a war breaks out in some country and diverts all of our attention to that. We don’t want war, it’s too confusing.”
Biden said he had placed a call several days ago to Attorney General Merrick Garland to launch an investigation. The chief executive said he wants to put this “election fraud” nonsense behind us so as not to interfere with his 2024 guaranteed victory.
It took several days before Garland responded to the press about his boss’s request. Garland said he is not surprised that the president would want the American people to be fully confident in the nation’s election integrity.
“I am on this,” Garland responded. “I have called in James Comey, James Clapper, and John Brennan as independent counsel to lead the investigation. I’ve even contacted Hillary Clinton to help verify the security and reliability of Dominion voting machines. Her skills at data blasting are legendary.”
After a brief discussion with one of his aids, Garland corrected his remark.
“I meant data mining,” Garland said, noting the error. “I get data mining and blast mining mixed up sometimes.”
Continuing his meeting with his chief counsel and senior advisors, Biden laid out his plan.
“Now you know I want this handled with the utmost skill so the American people can be confident that we are putting a stop to this nefar …, nefar …,
“Nefarious, Mr. President?” Dunn said, assisting.
“Ah yes, this nefa …, nasty practice of election fraud.”
“That could be a little tricky,” Ricchetti commented.
“How so?” Biden responded. “We get the right judge and blow that billionaire bigot right out of the water, and the election.”
“Well, as I’m sure you know, Mr. President,” Ricchetti continued, “most of the investigating that has gone on so far has been done by the other side.”
“All the better,” Biden responded. “We use their findings against them.”
“Like Steve said,” Dunn cut in, “that could be a little tricky.”
“What’s with this tricky business?” Biden exclaimed. “Tricky went out with Dick Nixon, right? I want this election integrity thing cleaned up right away so there will be no excuse when I’m re-elected next year.”
Dunn looked over at Ricchetti, who nodded.
“Excuse me, Mr. President,” Dunn said, pulling out her iPhone. “I have to get this.
“Now,” she said into the instrument.
Suddenly the door to the Oval Office flew open and Senior Advisor Gene Sperling stepped in speaking in an excited voice.
“Mr. President, you’re needed in Israel right away,” Sperling blurted out. “Air Force One is on the tarmac and waiting. Marine One is landing on the White House lawn as we speak.”
“Israel? What’s that Netan … Netan …,” Biden replied.
“Netanyahu,” Dunn assisted.
“Yeah, what’s that yahoo up to now?” Biden continued.
“Seems there’s a conflict going on in Gaza and you’ve been summoned there right away, sir,” Sperling implored. “There’s no time to waste.”
“Has Hunter been informed of this?” Biden asked. “I want him on that plane with me.”
“We have transported him onto the plane,” Sperling answered. “It seems we interrupted his nap and he’s now on Air Force One sleeping it off …, er, finishing his nap on the aircraft. Please, hurry.”
“OK, OK, but I want you folks to work on this election thing so we can deal with it when I get back.”
“Sure thing, Mr. President,” Dunn said, rising to her feet. “You run along now and have a nice flight. We’ll see to it everything is taken care of.”
With that, Sperling escorted the president to Marine One, helped the commander-in-chief up the stairs, and saluted as the helicopter lifted off.
WUP – Unfortunately, everything written above is satire, and anything resembling the truth is purely coincidental.